He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Operation Purity has been aborted
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
