Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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