I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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