im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
