So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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