maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
