The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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