You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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