just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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