Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
