So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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