I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
