your parents love me but you hate me
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
