i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
you inspire me to be a worse person
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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