Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
