i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
