Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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