And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
