If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
