I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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