im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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