He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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