Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
