Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
