How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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