You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
