True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you win again, gameday.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
