The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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