i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
