So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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