I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Randomize
