6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
