So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
