life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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