No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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