careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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