When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
