Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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