He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize