it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
