im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
