When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
