I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
