Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
