i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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