your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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