after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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