My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
