he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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