I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
