Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
