I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
