life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize