I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
