I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
