she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
