Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
3 2 1 whiskey
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
