peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
